Hopeful for a Happy Tomorrow

Alright, enough already! I've officially had it with the year 2009. Enough bad news, enough sadness. My family and friends have suffered plenty. I don't want to go into everything or elaborate on how many things have gone wrong I just want to SCREAM....THAT'S ENOUGH!!!!

I'm actually scared that there's still 23 days left.

Attack of the Christmas Tree

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!! In my opinion it's the best time of the year. People are happier, families come together (and I get to go home), and I get to do one of my favorite things....shop! I was a very lucky child. I grew up in a very loving household. My parents really did Christmas big and made it special for my sister and I. Therefore, today this time of year makes me feel all cozy inside.

Another one of my favorite things to do is decorate. I redecorate my house for every season and every holiday. Got that from my Mom. My husband and I built a house last year that was way too big for the two of us so this Christmas it's taken me 3 days to get everything done. Wreaths and garland are hanging, tabletops are overflowing with shiny, glittering nic nacs, and stockings are hanging from the mantel. As of Wednesday everything was done but the tree. Unfortunately, my tree has to sit up on some boxes to keep the branches from dragging the floor. This stinking tree is going in the garage sale next year....it's time for a new one. Anyway, I can't lift the huge thing and my husband was out of town for a few days so there it sat. No ornaments, no lights, no ribbon. Waiting for my husband to come home and lift it onto the boxes.

If you know me, you know I don't like to wait around for other people to get things done. I'm a no nonsense girl. A sense of urgency is key for me. Make a decision and move on! That's my motto. Anyway, I couldn't wait any longer. Surely I could lift the tree. Who needs a man??!!

....so if I just tilt the tree a little and slide the first box under, then I can lift and tilt the other way to slide the other box under. Easy, peasy....

Not so much. Just as I tilted the tree I heard some rustling and looked up. I forgot that I had left the star on the top and now it was tumbling toward my face. Please notice the multi-pointed star in the picture. One point hit directly below my eye and cut my face. I am so lucky to still have my right eye!! The other points hit my head and left me bleeding under my hair. At least no one can't see those injuries.

I guess that's what I get for being impatient. At least now it's done....but not without a little pain and suffering.

Hold on tight, you're in for a bumpy ride!

So, I have to tell you about my Thanksgiving. My husband and I recapped the whole thing with our friends the other day and realized how crazy we sounded. It's almost as if we're making the whole thing up. Unfortunately, we're not.

Because I'm aware that some of the family may possibly read this blog and would be upset if I aired their dirty laundry, I'll try to use discretion. I said try....can't make any promises.

My wonderful (and thankfully NORMAL) husband and I go to his Mother's house every year for Thanksgiving. We agreed when we got married that Thanksgiving would be with his family and Christmas would be with mine. I don't compromise on Christmas. It's mine. Anyway, that's beside the point.....back to Thanksgiving.

My husband comes from a VERY large family so it's always an eventful holiday. He has 5 brothers and sisters, 13 Aunts and Uncles, and 40 first cousins. There's never a dull moment.
This year in particular was one for the books.

Let's start with Aunt D. Apparently, she has died 3 times since we saw her last. We were not aware of this fact. Only that she has had heart problems. Luckily, my husband, sporting a sweat suit, along with 2 others were there to revive her and bring her back to life.....according to her....while she was being revived from over medication....during her hallucination. Enough said.

Moving on to Aunt M. Fresh out of the clink hanging with the family at Thanksgiving. Asking around for Xanax. I'm gonna stop there.

This brings us to Cousin J. Who just stole $10,000 from Uncle K. And is now MIA.

Next, came the first trip to the ER. It involved my niece who, thankfully ended up being ok, but got quite the show in the ER watching a woman projectile vomit all over the floor. This threw my sister-in-law into a tizzy because she hates hospitals. She was frazzled all night. Then came the second trip to the ER. This involved my other sister-in-law who was having pains from her appendectomy surgery the week before. Come to find out that she's about 4 weeks pregnant....not the best way to find out.

Now let's talk about the arm wrestling incident. This is my favorite. Unfortunately, I instigated the whole thing but it was pretty darn funny! I always have fun watching my husband and his 3 brothers compete. They always have to out-do each other. Therefore, when I suggested an arm wrestling tournament I knew they'd jump all over it. It would consist of 4 rounds starting with the youngest....he always gets screwed. Who knew the antique table they were wrestling on wouldn't hold?? Got through 2 rounds before we heard the crack.....their Dad was not happy. I've never seen so much finger-pointing in my life!

The last two stories are too delicate to discuss. One involves an affair and the other involves the third and final trip to the ER. My sister-in-law went back in for more pain and unfortunately is still there 4 days later. We pray that they can help her without harming the baby. Only time will tell.

I'm glad I was able to share my family's insanity. Like I said, there's never a dull moment. But since I'm the one that actually has to live it I get the movie rights....don't even think about stealing it!

A Reason to Write

Well, I guess it's time. Time to start writing again. I haven't posted anything in a few months because I just haven't had much to say. I could tell you about my day but my day's don't really consist of anything exciting. I no longer have a job, I have no kids, and I'm still not quite sure what I want to do with myself. This leaves me at a place of frustration and uncertainty. I know I'll figure it out eventually so in the meantime I'll just vent to those who are willing to read about it.

But............today I had some entertainment!

My nieces and nephew came to stay with my husband and I for a night on their way to Arkansas for Thanksgiving. We are a good halfway point between Ohio and Arkansas so they, with their other Aunt (my sister-in-law), stopped here in St. Louis and stayed with us last night. The three girls are 6, 8, and 14 and my nephew is also 14.

I always have so much fun when I see them but after wards I'm completely exhausted! This time not only was I exhausted but so were my dogs. Neeman, my Lab, is getting older and has arthritis. He loved having the kids in the house but it was hard on him. He got all the hugging, petting, tail tugging, and treats he could possibly need for a lifetime. He goes by Norman now as well....the kids renamed him. Currently, he is in the corner asleep where I'm sure he'll be until tomorrow. Lucy, my Rat Terrier, has officially been traumatized. From the moment they got here yesterday until the moment they left today Lucy has been either chased or held constantly by one of the children. The look on her face when they would pick her up was priceless! Oh, the terror!

It's quite an experience to suddenly have 4 children thrust upon you. So much energy and creativity! They weren't here an hour before my walk-in pantry became a "General Store". We have a dish of change on the nearby table and that became the currency needed to buy food from the "General Store." My Nephew was the clerk and the girls had a blast paying him (my money) to buy snacks (my food) from the store (my pantry) that even I wasn't allowed to enter. Hmmm...what's wrong with this picture? It was very entertaining for an E-N-T-I-R-E 2 D-A-Y-S....a neverending game.

Knock, knock..."Mister store clerk. I'm hungry. I'd like to re-buy those Pringles I bought at the grocery store the other day. Thanks."

It's also interesting what goes through your mind when you discover one of them has been missing for a while. Huh...."have you guys seen your sister in the last 15 minutes?" Oh goodness. Where is she????!!! "Oh nevermind....I found her in the kitchen cabinet. Did you guys know she thinks your still playing hide-n-seek?"

The other times I would find them in my master bathroom using MY toilet. What is that? Why must they all poop in ONLY my bathroom??!!

We had a blast. It went by way too fast but we get to see them again in a few days for Thanksgiving. Until then, I better rest up!

Home

I've mentioned before that I was born and raised in Arkansas. This is home to me. Even though I've lived in Illinois for almost 8 years now, Arkansas will always be home. My entire family is still there and I just know that someday, my future will be there too.

I get to go home tomorrow. I always look forward to these times. When the trip back to the South nears and I have to rush around getting ready for the 6 hour trek. I don't even mind the drive because I know my destination will make me smile.

This time I don't only want to be there but I need to be there. My family has fallen on some hard times lately and I need to help them through it. I hate not being there the minute something happens...not being able to rush to their side when bad news smacks them across the face. It's a guilt I've carried with me for 8 years that I can do nothing about. At least not right now.

Just to name a few problems my Mom just found out she has diabetes and now has to change her way of life. Eat differently, prick her finger regularly, and exercise (something no one in my family is a fan of). This is just after she's come off of a not-so-nice surgery that kept her in pain for quite a while. Another thing I wasn't able to be there for. My sister is a whole other story. Her hard times have come in droves. I won't even bother to name the smaller issues they've confronted this summer because soon after the big shit hit the fan. A few weeks after my sister's husband lost his job she found out she was pregnant. Another couple of weeks later, on her birthday, she lost the baby.

My sister has always been my best friend. Even though she's older I've always felt the need to protect her. Maybe it's just a sister thing. Knowing she's going through pain absolutely kills me. Burns me to the core. There's nothing I can do but at least being there would help. This is why I need to go home.

The year 2009 has been a rough one for my whole family, including me. It seems to be shaping up to be another 1997.....BAD year for us! That year my lung collapsed and I had to have major surgery, my parents got divorced after we found out my Dad was having an affair, my Grandmothers house burned down, and on the very last day of the year my Great-Grandmother passed away. It was almost like God was saying, "Don't celebrate yet, there's still a few more hours left for things to go badly. There ya go....deal with that!" Bad year!

So I'm headed home tomorrow. To see my sweet Nephew, Max, and celebrate his first birthday, to be a shoulder my sister can cry on, and to help my Mom stick to her new diet and work-out regimen. No matter what goes wrong there's just nothing as wonderful as being with family!

Southern Hospitality

I've lived in Illinois now for 7 1/2 years. That's 7 1/2 years longer than I ever expected. My husband and I moved here in November of 2001 when his job transferred us to this area....this area being O'Fallon, IL which is about 20 minutes from downtown St. Louis. Good place to be if you don't want to live in the big city and would prefer to skip all that crazy traffic yet, still close enough to be able to attend big city events like baseball games, concerts, and art shows. Anyway, like I said I never actually thought we'd be here for this long but life happens and here we are...still.

I've actually gotten used to the area and I've had the opportunity to make some amazing friends. Friends that would be EXTREMELY hard to leave if and when we decide to move back home to Arkansas. Since I've gotten to know the area better I'm more comfortable and it's really grown on me. I owned a business here for 3 1/2 years which gave me the opportunity to meet a lot of people and learn more about the town I live in. There are still a lot of things I miss about Arkansas that I don't find here but for the most part I really enjoy my life here now. I just have one complaint that I don't think I'll EVER get used to.....the lack of Southern Hospitality.

When your born and raised in the South, especially in a town like Fayetteville, AR, you get spoiled with polite conversation and encounters with kind, agreeable people. As a matter of fact, you come to expect certain things. For example, people smiling and waving for no reason, employees in local shops being helpful and all around pleasant, and hearing "hi ya'll" every time you turn the corner. Nice, cordial people being nice and cordial for no reason at all. Just because.

I miss these people. Not to say that I don't have good people in my life here because I do. As I said before I have amazing friends (to all of my friends reading this please don't be offended...of course I'm not talking about you). It's the people you don't know that can really get under your skin. In the Mid-West if they don't know you, they don't see any point in wasting a smile on you. Or, if they are nice to you up front I've learned that it's not necessarily because they want to be but because they need to be for selfish reasons. Many a time I've been fooled by the up-front-nice-guy that later turned on me. It's baffling. All the sudden it's like that girl on The Exorcist...head's spin and an evil comes out that you didn't know existed. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a teeny bit but I'm always a little thrown by how quickly someone here has stabbed me in the back without batting an eyelash. I guess that's just what happens in business. At least in the South we mask it with charm and civility leaving the victim with a false sense of accomplishment. We wouldn't want them to walk away hating us afterall! (said with a southern accent)

Having a couple of friends from the South helps. They understand how I feel about certain things and we can easily talk about how different things are around here. For example, my friend from Alabama understands SEC football and how it's actually a religion in the South. Not a sport. People schedule things like weddings and parties around football games. If you plan your wedding on the same day as an Arkansas Razorback football game then that's your problem when no one shows up. Comply with the rules of the South or get over it! I also have a friend from Texas. Every event we go to with the girls seems to reveal some sort of Mid-Western ritual we've never seen. We just look at our other friends and say, "We don't do that in the South" (tip head and stick nose in the air here). At this point I should just consider myself lucky that my Mid-West girlfriends haven't disowned me considering I always talk about how great everything is below the Mason-Dixon line.

Thanks girls for putting up with my Southern banter!! Love ya'll (yes, I said ya'll)!!

My Daily Entertainment

I'm compelled to tell a story about my sweet boy, Neeman. Dog not child. No matter, he's mine, he's adorable, and for those that know him know what a gentle giant he is. Neeman is our yellow Lab and he has no idea how big he is. I can't say he's the smartest dog around but his personality more than makes up for his lack of intelligence.

The other day my husband came home from work and, as always, was assaulted by the dogs at the door. Although sometimes it can be painful, I consider this to be the best feeling in the world. Being greeted everyday with such enthusiasm and warmth. Unconditional love and appreciation that just radiates from their furry faces and wagging tails. As far as the painful part, I admittedly have my share of bruises covering my legs from these welcoming attacks.

Anyway, that particular day Jason noticed something was different. Before being attacked he not only heard the gallop of Neeman's large paws nearing but also a banging and pounding of something ramming into the wall with each step Neeman took. Now maybe I should preface this with the fact that Labrador's get very hot in the summer. They're big and have a really thick undercoat so the "dog days of summer" is no joke when it comes to this loving breed. For this reason, Neeman likes to sleep right on top of the air conditioning vents to stay cool.

Back to the story. As soon as Neeman gets near, Jason sees something swinging from his neck. At first glance, Jason is thinking maybe I tied something to his collar as a gift or chore for him (most likely the latter). This isn't such a stretch because we both have been known to use Neeman for little things around the house. For example, running outside to get the newspaper or going to the bottom of the stairs outside to fetch a toy he left in the yard. He is also always willing to transport things from me to Jason or vice versa when one of us is on the couch and the other on the chaise. After all he's got to earn his keep.

Well upon further investigation, and after getting the dog to calm down, Jason discovered one of our floor vents hanging from Neeman's neck! I so wish I had been there! His dog tags had somehow gotten twisted down into the vent and he now was wearing it as a necklace. The part about it that I love the most is that it went completely unnoticed by the dog himself. He was just so happy that Daddy was home the fact that a heavy, metal object was dangling from his collar didn't even phase him!

So in honor of Neeman here are a few pictures I'd like to share....if only I'd gotten a picture of the incident!

Unnerved

One of the down sides to not having a job....I've noticed the news is on ALL THE TIME. I keep my TV on pretty much all day and because of this I tend to see the news about 3 times a day. I don't necessarily watch the whole newscast, I just hear bits and pieces as I pass by while doing chores around the house. Unfortunately, this is enough to be unnerved by what I hear. It seems to me that there have been more shootings in the past few months than usual (I hate that there is even a "usual"). As we speak the news anchor is talking about the shooting at the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. A couple of days ago we had a shooting at a local, and very popular bar downtown. The week before that a police officer was shot and just last night a teenager was at the park and was shot in the neck.

Perhaps the one that hit closest to home involved a man I didn't even know. It impacted me because the victim was a very good friend of some of my good friends. I never met him but it was made clear to me what a good man he was because my friends all loved him so. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. A victim of circumstance. The bullets weren't meant for him but for others he was with. For this act of cruel revenge he gave his life. The pain my friends have had to bear for the past week is tragic.

What is wrong with people? It makes me sick to think about what could be going through the mind of everyone I pass on the street. Or for that matter, the neighbor down the street that I don't know well. It's no wonder so many people in our world live in constant fear. A fear that can be so encompassing they can't leave their homes. I hate to be such a downer but sometimes I just can't bear to hear the news. I don't want to imagine a world so vile that stepping out of my front door is more of a chance I take than an opportunity to savor. Very sad.

I've gotta get a job because the news is really bringing me down!

Unwelcome Guests

I've noticed a lot of talk about Spring lately. People blogging about the beauty of it, people mentioning the welcome warmth of it on their Facebook status, and of course the weather people on television taking credit for it (what is that all about anyway? I actually heard our local meteorologist saying we could 'thank him' for the upcoming beautiful weather. Weird.).

Anyway, I love Spring as much as the next person. It breathes life into us and gives us new hope that we can tackle those unfinished projects or start new ones. It revitalizes us and gets us out of the house offering a new, fresh outlook on things. But.....it brings with it some VERY unwelcome guests. Wasps. As strange as it sounds they are the cause of my dread each Spring. I have a fear of wasps that is unrivaled. I don't know where it came from but there is something about a small stinging insect that has the ability to fly quickly and out of reach that unnerves me. Now, I've mentioned before that I'm a big animal lover. I believe all living things big and small should be respected and treated valuable. As part of this belief I try to avoid harming any living being so, for example, when I see a spider I try to catch it and throw it outside. I do this with most all insects. But a wasp I will spray or squash as quickly as possible without a second thought.

My friends and family make fun of me when they see my reaction to one of these winged warriors. I jump and run inside as fast as possible and just peer out the window until it's either gone or dead. The amazing thing is my ability to see one from a distance. It doesn't matter where I am or what the situation, if a wasp is anywhere in the general vicinity I will see it long before it gets near and follow it closely while quietly and tactically planning my escape. My husband thinks I'm crazy. Half of the time I warn him of an incoming stinger he never even sees it. And if he does he knows to just wait for me to flip out and run before he can actually do anything about it.

A few days ago I noticed that they seem to be coming in droves so I let him know that we may have a wasp problem this Spring. He wasn't concerned. He just attributed it to my paranoia that all wasps will eventually take over the world and shrugged it off. Then, I heard my next door neighbor talking about it and that they recently had to have someone come out and spray. I was so happy to hear this because now I have proof and reason to call the insect people without my husband questioning my sanity. I better call tomorrow or this could be a long summer of ducking and running!

My Faithful Followers

I've had a few friends tell me I need to write more because they enjoy reading my blog. You have no idea how much I appreciate this. Unfortunately, I seem to be suffering from some sort of writer's block. Every since March 21st (closing day) I haven't had much to say. I thought all kinds of emotions would be flowing out of me onto my blog but the exact opposite has happened. I'm a bit numb. For this, I apologize.

This too shall pass.....



Wassily Kandinsky

A New Beginning

"It is what it is." I have found this to be my new favorite expression. My husband and I have just gone through what one might call a "life change". We have each had to make a note of our monetary value, add up our IOU's, and make some business decisions that we didn't want to make. It's never fun finding out what you're worth (or not worth) on paper.

After much deliberation, I have had to close my business. A dream I had for years. A career in the only industry I know. My husband also had to stop operations in his franchise. We opened two businesses together in the same year and closed them together 3 1/2 years later. Luckily, we are a good team and without each other I don't know that we would've survived it all.

It was unfortunate that he had to stop operations but for him that's all it was. He quit working the territory and that was it. I don't mean to down play his situation in any way because with any business closure comes the feeling of failure. I just had a different experience than he did. I had to close a brick and mortar store and it was a very public event. Customers cried, I cried, vendors said how sorry they were, and friends looked at me with such sorrow.

They asked, "How are you handling it?" And I answered, "I'll be ok...it is what it is." They asked, "What will you do next?" And I answered, "I haven't really thought that far ahead....it is what it is." They inquired as to whether or not I will open another store in the future and I answered "I'm not sure. For now, I just need to let it be what it is."

From here I can choose to look at it as a failure (which is the easiest thing to do) or decide it's a new beginning. I choose the latter. There are so many reasons why it was the best decision I could've possibly made but it was also the hardest thing to do. It became a question of restructuring a stressful business or recovering my misplaced life. Life won.

Now it's time to start finding answers to those daunting questions.

Not Ready Yet

I have quite a few things to say and a lot on my mind but I'm not ready yet.

I'm going through a lot right now and should probably talk about my recent decision but I'm not ready yet.

I need to find someone to blame but also face reality and take responsibility for my decisions, but I'm not ready yet.

Change is upon me and my "everyday" will be altered. For this, I have no choice but to be ready.

Wassily Kandinsky

What This Woman Needs

I don't know about the rest of you ladies out there, but here's my heiracrchy of needs:

1. To be reminded that I'm worth it every once in a while.

2. A good glass of wine with good friends.

3. To hear the good news before I hear the bad news. Or for there to just be no bad news.

4. To know I will eventually get back home...no matter how long it takes.

5. To laugh so hard I cry.

6. To cry so hard I feel liberated.

7. To know that my decisions will be a good life lesson when they don't produce a good outcome.

8. A sexy pair of heels.

9. For my loved ones to be proud of my success and forgiving of my shortcomings.

10. Jason.

~not necessarily in this order~

So much for Maslow's little theory!

Ignorant People

I just don't understand why people feel the need to be rude. It's been exactly a week now since "the incident" that frustrated me and I've let it fester for too long. My sister suggested I get it out on my blog and maybe that will help me to release the anger created by STUPID people so I suppose I'll share.

I decided to close my store the Saturday before last because I had plans and I couldn't get anyone to cover for me. Keep in mind this is the first time I've EVER closed for selfish reasons and it will probably be the last but I felt I deserved it considering the distress my job has created for me lately. Also considering I haven't had a real vacation in years. I put up a note on the door stating I would be closed that day but would resume regular business hours the next day, etc. When I returned to work on Monday there was a post-it note on the door that so eloquently said, "you suck, you're lazy, why don't you just close for good."

Now, I don't know what this person's intention was but no matter what they were going for this is just plain insulting. When I first saw it my jaw dropped and I just stood there in utter disbelief. The thoughts that raced through my head started with "did my friends do this as a joke?" Of course this was a ridiculous idea so I quickly moved on to "would a customer really lash out like this". Then I thought about my customers and how they tend to be very nice and classy women not to mention most are repeat, loyal customers and friends. Next, I went on to "is this personal? Could it be someone I know that is trying to upset me?" Possibly but I don't think I've done anything to cause this kind of hostility. I finally landed on "it was probably just some punk kid that thought it was funny." I'm sticking with this one because it makes me feel better.

What ever happened to the good ole' saying "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all." Or has this been lost on our fast paced, couldn't care less, me first society? I know I shouldn't peg all of society for this outrage but it sure does seem that people have stopped thinking about their actions and the effect they may have on others. I mean do we really need to bring others down in order to lift ourselves up? All I have to say to those who were boorish enough to pull this stunt is....karma's a bitch.

Ok...I'm over it.



Wassily Kandinsky

Amusing Adages

Isn't it funny how the little sayings and comments made by your parents eventually rub off on you until one day you hear them flying out of your mouth like a winged bead of spittle? I was in the kitchen last night trying to fix dinner and as I was maneuvering from pantry to refrigerator to counter I nearly fell over and broke my neck. Now, to anyone who has a dog, you know what I'm getting at. My Lab, Neeman, God love him, is ALWAYS at my feet drooling and awaiting the next morsel that may fall onto the floor. This particular instance came about when I tried to take a step backwards not knowing he was right behind me and I lost my footing nearly tumbling to the floor. A nine year old dog, he's not very quick to react and just can't get out of the way fast enough. After I regained my composure and the frustration had made it's way to my mouth I screamed "Get out from under foot!".

That's when it happened. I became my mom. This is not a bad thing because I adore my mom but, nevertheless there it was. These words which had been bellowed at me so many times as a child were suddenly springing from my lips. The next thing I know I'm going to be saying "dad-burn-it" and "awww foot"!


Wassily Kandinsky

Humble Pie

Since this is my first blogging experience I guess I'll figure it out as I go. I've never been one to write (or even read much for that matter) even though I come from a family of writers. They say it helps to get your feelings out on paper, or in this case, on the computer so that's what I intend to do. I'll let you know if it changes my life dramatically.

I've entered that point in my life where the little things seem to make a big impact. I think a number of things could have caused this but I know the main reason. The year 2008 drastically changed my life and my way of doing things, but most importantly, it changed my way of seeing things. I can't pretend to have entered 2008 a humble person but I definitely left it that way. Now, I know I'm not the only one that's been negatively impacted by the recent economic times and I've certainly not been the MOST effected but things have been a bit difficult. Mostly meaning different from the normal.

This leads me to the little things. Where I used to want the biggest and most extravagant, I now only want the most comfortable and reasonable. Where I used to want everything now, I now want it eventually and when it makes sense. Where I used to need the best social scene to stroke my ego, I now want family and friends to love me for who I am. Isn't this what really counts anyway?

I recently read a blog about a "makeunder". The blogger spoke of how she intends to "makeunder" her life by eliminating the unnecessary and cleansing her life of things that keep her from being a better person. If it's too complex than simplify it. I like this. I think it's refreshing. From this suggestion came the title to my blog. Same general idea just a little more down and dirty. I want to simplify but also erode all of the sandy sediment that has clogged my mind and spirit. Again, I'll let you know how it goes.



Wassily Kandinsky
(my favorite artist)